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Written by Vick Synex
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Monday, 24 August 2009 |
 The political establishment was rocked to the core today after an SNP plan to declare war on the US was leaked.
Justice Minister Kenny MacAaskill's decision to release Lockerbie bomber Abdulbessat Ali Al Megrahi on compassionate grounds was part of an overall strategy to revolutionise the Scottish economy and infrastructure. A source told us "The idea was we would pick a fight with the United States and endeavor to escalate it into a full blown conflict. The US are so notoriously trigger happy and disposed to regime change that we felt it wouldn't take much poking to end up with bomber raids flattening key parts of the country. As a cover we also leaked that the low mortality rates in Govan and such places were due to side effects of huge stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction in the locations. We get a two for one deal here - run down areas get wiped out and so does much of the countries' welfare budget."
"Once the first few sorties have done the job, we run up the white flag and start tapping into US redevelopment funds. We'd get billions spent sorting out the pisspoor road and rail infrastructure. Around the same time we release copies of correspondance from Gordon Brown and Peter Mandelson showing that they were fully aware of and lobbied for Megrahi's release in order to assist British business interests. This would then shift the focus of US ire away from Scotland and back on to Westminster, who then get exposed for the venal, lying shower that they are. At the end of it all, we get a rebuilt country, minimal welfare requirements and are better placed to go for independance than ever before. It's genius I tell you." The US is already running a hate campaign against Scotland - at BoycottScotland.com - where American citizens are being urged to burn Scottish goods. Sales of shortbread and whisky are through the roof - people are buying them just to burn them. One US citizen told Mardale "I'm boycotting MacDonalds. They sound Scottish." The site is also notable for an uncharacteristic use of Irony from our American cousins. Whilst stating that "The British, who ironically have themselves been victim to numerous acts of terrorism on their own soil, seem to have forgotten.", they forget to mention that most of this terrorism was funded by misty-eyed fake paddy cunts in Oirish themed bars in Boston. Well done, chaps.
Gordon Brown was still on six weeks holiday at the time of going to press. It's also unclear if Peter Mandelson was having any more meetings with Gadaffi's son in agreeable billionaires retreats, which of course had no influence on any decisions taken on the release of any key Libyan prisoners. Oh no, not at all.
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