A tired and emotional Andy Burnham today slumped in an NHS waiting room with his arms around a supporting pillar and announced to the assembled throng that "See the NHS? That's my best mate. Best in the fucking world and I'll fight anyone here who says otherwise. Anyone seen that cunt Hannan, I'll fucking have him."

During the rest of his discourse the Health Minister derided the French health system as "Full of garlic-eating stripy shirt-wearing frogs", the Singapore system as "Up it?s own arse. They fine you $500 if you contract the wrong disease" and derided claims of better clinical outcomes in these and other health systems around the world as "fucking lies spread by Cameron and his posh Eton mates".

"I'll tell you what Cameron wants." Mr Burnham continued. "He wants to use poor people to wipe his feet on as he enters a hospital. Says it saves on doormats. And if you are poor with a terminal illness you'll have a choice. There'll be a new series of Gladiators on ITV, except it will be real gladiators, with swords and lions and stuff. If you get to the end of the show you'll maybe get treatment. That's what the Tories want, just you wait and see." At this point the press conference came to a close as the Health Minister began snoring loudly.

A Conservative spokesman was unavailable for comment at the time of going to press.

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