Is there a banana in your briefcase that you've forgotten about? Have a look at your life and realise that the blackening of a once-vibrant firm and yellow fruit is a metaphor for the sham your life has become. Your lucky star is the black hole M201. Try to remain positive by hiding vodka in the cistern at work and tippling regularly.

Nostalgic over an old flame and wondering how things might have played out if you'd taken the other road? Looking back instead of forward in a vain attempt to make sense of your life? So is your partner, so make some time to sit down and split the CD collection before things get ugly. Your lucky dog today is the Cairn Terrier.

Money matters loom large in your chart today, and you would do well to make sure that you don't have any money tied up in Northern Rock, as it looks like they plan to penalise Sagittarians first. Uranus is pensive, so have a long hard think while you are dealing with the constipation that appears in your chart today. Your lucky Telly Tubby is Laa Laa today.

Expect a slowdown in your metabolism and resulting weight gain over the next 3 weeks, as the Mercury moves out of your sign and leaves the door open for Pluto. A friend may tell you something in confidence, but it's only a distraction to divert your attention away from the affair they are planning with your partner. A hefty slap should let them know you won't stand for it. Today, your lucky mineral water is Perrier Still.

Oh dear - you've got yourself into a right pickle over the last 10 days, running here and there, trying to cover all the bases and feeling like there's always more to do. Isn't about time you were honest with yourself and admit that you're ineffectual? It's pointless fighting it any more, so try to lower your standards a few notches, take time to smell the roses and notice how truly happy the stupid are. Today your lucky cat is the Manx - if you can't find one - make one!

You might have more faces than Big Ben, but you can get just about anything you want today, with a flutter of those eyes, a sly smile and the promise of sexual gratification, the world is your oyster and you know it. Just watch out for serial seducers and fly-by-night cheats - the ones you seem to attract no matter where you go. Your lucky ocean today is Indian.

Your partner meets your ex today in a bizarre accident and they end up having lunch together and swapping notes on your 'unusual' tastes in the bedroom. Even more bizarrely, your boss will be at the next table listening in. Expect a lot of raised eyebrows over the next few days as the news spreads like wildfire throughout your social and professional circles. Your lucky stockings-shade today is American Tan.

Your stubbornness is as legendary as your reaction to red rags, so try to stay out of the limelight today as the stars seem to be conspiring to get you into trouble. An old acquaintance will get back in touch and provoke you into saying something you'll regret later, so refuse to speak to them until Thursday, when Venus comes into your life. Watch out for Spanish matadors bearing swords. Your lucky 4x4 is the Frontera.

Life has really kicked you in the Niagaras over the last month, and it's not going to let up this week. I see a lot of conflict in your chart as Mars lets go a salvo of Sugar, Glucose and thick, thick chocolate. Or it may be just a stain left by my mug of coffee. Who cares? It's all made up anyway. You will also realise that someone you once relied upon for good advice turns out to be a charlatan, and that the world is chaotic and unpredictable after all. Your lucky medication this week is Imodium.

You will have to make a decision today regarding your most treasured possessions as a fire rips through your home and you are forced to rescue just 3 things. Try to take the photo albums and one of the twins. Your lucky colour will be red and your lucky uniform will be Fireman. The heat is on!

You are especially lucky on Tuesday, so be sure to buy a lottery ticket and share the winnings with yours truly. 40% should be fine. Telling an old friend that they have BO falls to you as your legendary tactlessness makes for a hilarious situation in the workplace this week. Your lucky painting is that one by Jack Vettriano with the waiters on a windy beach. Sorry.

Remember when you were young and the baby sitter used to show you photos you didn't quite understand? Well, this week brings a realisation that you have been unconsciously repressing a particularly dark period in your life and it will all come crashing in on you as you try to cope with the fall out. Try get some perspective on things by buying new shoes. Your lucky confection this week is the midget gem.